Trouble with teens

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

I’m worried about some of the decisions my teenage son has been making recently but I can’t get him to talk to me about anything. Is there a way to remedy this situation or is all hope lost?

Thanks,

Parenting in Lacey

Dear Parenting,

All hope is not lost, although you may have some ground to make up. But, before you do anything, there are a couple of points we should discuss: namely that the teenage years are years of independence and that the best way to connect with anyone is through listening. 

As parents, we have a strong desire to do what’s best for our children (this paradigm can also start early if you had a sibling who’s significantly younger than you as well). And while this desire is wonderful, we tend to want to hold the reigns a bit too tightly. Generally, this concept is called helicopter parenting, and we all know how negatively this can impact children, but when it comes to teenagers, almost all parents become helicopter parents. 

The reason for this is probably a combination of the knowledge that the child doesn’t really need you anymore and the fact that mistakes in judgment in high school will likely have a greater impact than mistakes made in other age ranges. New fears now play through your psyche as you consider car accidents, high school pregnancies, drug use, and crime influences. These were not really problems before, so I understand the worry; however, despite the seeming justifications to keep a tight grip, your job as a parent (in so far as teaching your child to navigate daily life) is already done. 

High school is the time when you need to teach your child how to take control of their own reigns.

To be fair, whether you allow this or not, your child will start to take their own reigns; if you don’t want to be left in the dust, now is the time to start listening. 

By “listening” I don’t mean just hearing what they say and then throwing out your own tidbits of wisdom, but rather about understanding what they mean, accepting their thoughts as legitimate, and trusting that they know what they are talking about. 

We don’t tend to give teenagers very much credit. Because of the history of teens, this seems warranted, but it undermines the influence you do actually have. Teens know that they don’t know everything, but they are willing to take on the challenges of the world now, so they are going to act as if they do. But, they are fragile and unsure, so when you undermine their decisions by rolling your eyes and saying, “you're just not old enough to understand,” you’re chipping away at their self-worth and self-confidence. Do this enough times, and they will cease all communications.

It seems like this may be where your relationship currently is.

So, if you want to get out of the proverbial dog house, here are a few steps to take.

1. Apologize for not listening in the past and express a desire to be better

Only do this if you mean it because otherwise, your risk damaging your relationship even further. We’re trying to reestablish respect, but respect is a two-way street and as the parent, it’s best for you to set the example. Treat your son like an adult and take him seriously. That’s the best way to prepare him for life ahead. 

2. When your son comes to you with a subject, treat it seriously, and don’t assume that you understand what he’s going through.

While teens can certainly make stupid decisions, don’t assume that they haven’t thought them through. An overbearing parent is one of the primary indicators of a child that’s likely to act out. If your child has nothing to rebel against because he is the decision-maker in his own life, he’s far less likely to rebel. 

You can ask questions, but allow the final choices to be his. Don’t manipulate or try to force him into a particular path because, ultimately, he is the one who’s going to have to deal with the consequences. For example, if your son got someone pregnant, he’s now going to have to figure out how to be a father. While you can help, it’s his responsibility in the long run. 

3. When needed, ask him for his opinions about what should be done

When problems come up in discussion, always start by asking him what he’s going to do, or what he thinks a good thing to do would be. Get him thinking. If he makes a decision, assuming you don’t see any major faults, allow him to test his approach. If he asks your opinion, you can provide your perspective (but only if he asks).

With these three steps, you’ll start to notice an improvement in both your relationship and your son’s behavior. By giving him the freedom to live his own life, he will rapidly gain confidence (which is vital to success later in life). If you see problems, express a desire to discuss them with him, but approach this conversation in the same way, with respect. 

Trust him to know what’s best for him, and you’ll both be happier in the long run. 

Hope this helps,

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The opinions expressed above are those of Alexis Rae Baker and not necessarily of The JOLT or its staff or board of directors.