Live and let live, what aid to give

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

My son has proclaimed his intention of quitting his job to pursue video game development. He thinks that he’ll be able to develop a few apps and that things will branch out from there. There’s no real plan in place, he seems to think that things will just fall into place. He’s completely unaware of the realities of the world and I’m worried that he’s going to wind up in a horrible financial situation because he hasn’t really thought it through. How should I go about discussing this with him?

Concerned in Tumwater

Dear Concerned,

I’m always a fan of being direct, but before you run off to talk with your son, there are two things you should keep in mind. First, everyone has, and will, make mistakes. Second, you are the only person who can determine what’s right for your life.

As parents, I think we all want to help our children out whenever we can. It’s hard to see someone you love going through times of struggle and it’s natural for you to want to prevent a potential “disaster waiting to happen.” However, our failures are generally our biggest teachers, so denying your son the chance to “dip his feet in the water” could wind up delaying, or stopping, his development as an adult. 

It is far better to offer aid after the fact, if needed, than to sow doubt and fear now. 

And while I know many parents dislike the idea of having an adult child living at home, providing that safe haven actually allows your child to dare, dream of, and pursue a better life. We all appreciate knowing that someone has our back. You can be that someone for your children when they are in need, and then you can be their cheerleader when times are good. 

But, even if you aren’t up for creating that safe space, it’s still important to recognize that you are only capable of making decisions for yourself. We like to think we know our children better than they know themselves, but we don’t have to live with the consequences if we make their choices for them. There were multiple occasions in my life where I was strong-armed into doing something I didn’t feel was right for me, and while things ultimately worked out, those moments mostly just created resentment in my relationships with my own parents.

Now, I understand the reasoning behind those events, but I also know that I’ve never wanted to live life in the ways that my parents did. Following the path they laid out really didn’t make sense if I wanted to build a different future from theirs. 

Your son seems to want a different lifestyle from the one he grew up with as well, so consider that you may not be his best advisor. Yes, he may fall on his face, but you raised him well, so trust him to figure things out. 

And now, with both these pieces of information in mind, you are free to have a discussion. I recommend asking questions to see how much thought he’s actually put into this. Ask about his marketing plan. Ask about his associations and whether or not he knows someone who’s achieved the same goal that he is pursuing. Ask about his projected timeline.

Whether he has an answer to these questions or not, you will get a better picture of where he is, and he will either feel more confident or realize that he may need to do a little more prep work before pulling the trigger.

Hope this helps,

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed above are those of Alexis Rae Baker and not necessarily of The JOLT or its staff or board of directors. Alexis Rae Baker is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her advice does not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals.