LEARNING FROM ANGER

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

I feel like I’m always angry and I want to know how I can develop my emotional intelligence so that doesn’t happen any more. Do you have any suggestions that can help?

Thanks,

Angry in Lacey

Dear Angry,

It’s wonderful that you’re looking to grow and develop your emotional intelligence, but I do think there’s a flaw in your thought process here. Emotional intelligence isn’t about never feeling negative emotions again; instead, it revolves more around learning how not to live your life from those emotional places.

We all face circumstances that frustrate or anger us, and that’s not likely to change, but that doesn’t mean that we have to lash out at others as a result of that anger. And while this seems like a simple thing to do, it can be quite a learning process to implement.

With negative emotions comes an almost compulsive desire to react. This is where the phrase “misery loves company” comes into play. For some reason, we feel that by expressing our emotions, we’ll somehow feel better, but the opposite tends to happen. Either we hurt someone else; they tell us we’re overreacting or empathize with us, thereby justifying our emotions. All can lead to bad places.

So, if you want to lead a healthier lifestyle and save your loved ones the pain of friendly fire, learning how to curb that desire to “spew toxins” is vital. And the way you do that is by recognizing your emotions for what they are: physiological reactions to deep-seated beliefs/thoughts you possess.

AKA your emotions aren’t who you are, but something you own or choose to retain.

This may seem like a silly thing to say, but if you think about it, there’s a great deal of value in this perspective. By viewing your emotions as a possession, or something external to your being, you can start to view them objectively.

My process for anger

Rather than sitting in your anger, and burning up inside, you can take a step back and start asking questions. Is this anger justified? Am I seeing the truth of this situation? Is this emotion helping me? Is there something that I’m missing? What would I need for this emotion to change?

Whatever your answers to these questions are, it is fine. I know that for me, there are times when I’m holding on to my anger for no other reason than “I just want to be angry right now.”

Who knew that there is a certain appeal to feeling negative emotions?

Once you know what you're feeling, and why you’re continuing to hold onto it, now it becomes a matter of mitigating lash out.

My automatic reaction at this point, after years of hard work changing my behavior, is to shut my mouth and sit quietly. I’m allowed to feel angry, and I’m allowed to cry, but that does not give me permission to hurt others.

I enter a state of “meditative anger” where I’m basically wallowing in my anger while constantly reevaluating if I want to continue or not. When people ask me questions, I either state that I don’t want to talk right now or do what I can to answer in the blandest way possible so as not to “infect” them.

Eventually, you’ll forget to be angry and move on. Once the anger has passed, you’ll find that you’re grateful that you didn’t cause harm along the way and you’ll understand yourself a little bit better. Keep practicing, and you’ll soon find that the number of things that “anger” you will decrease, you’ll be angry for less time, and you’ll understand your own mentality significantly more. Best wishes on your journey,

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The opinions expressed above are those of Alexis Rae Baker and not necessarily of The JOLT or its staff or board of directors. Alexis Rae Baker is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her advice does not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals.