I’m too selfish

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

People say that I’m selfish, but no one seems to be able to tell me how to change that. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks,

- Selfish in Olympia

Dear Selfish,

First, I commend you on your willingness to change. Selfishness is one of those things that is hard to correct because people are usually unwilling to admit to having a problem. The fact that you’re looking for a solution is impressive and admirable. 

I’m guessing you’re choosing to approach this issue because you’re noticing some relationship issues in your life, and for that, I’m sorry. The good news is that, yes, I can help you with this endeavor. 

Selfishness consists of two parts, parts that are often lost when we use the overarching word "selfish.” These two parts are survival and narcissism. 

*Special note: I believe that we are all narcissistic to some degree. I’m not diagnosing and do not have a psychology degree.

Survival is a vital part of the human psyche. There are certain instincts and behaviors that allow us to keep living, and these should not be eliminated. Some of these things don’t necessarily appear vital though, so sometimes you’ll have to think things through. Self-care, for example, is a part of the survival instinct; if you aren’t taken care of, it’s hard for you to take care of others. 

Narcissism, on the other hand, consists of behaviors that you want to change. Narcissism is the “excessive interest in, or admiration of, oneself and/or one’s physical appearance.” 

(Many are of the mind that narcissism is pride gone wild, or a genetic brain abnormality. I’m of the mind that narcissism is actually deep-seated insecurity in disguise, but this is a fringe theory.)

Whatever the cause of self-centeredness initially, most with narcissistic-like traits act from a place of habit (as all people tend to do). So, the solution is going to come down to shifting your habits. My advice is to ask yourself three questions before taking action. 

Question 1: Does this impact others?

Question 2: What consequences will this cause for those people?

Question 3: Is this action worth the price to them?

If you want to see a change in yourself, take these questions very seriously and apply them wherever you can. Any action you take will likely impact someone in some way, so consider those seemingly harmless daily activities you do. 

A prime example of this is TV watching. 

TV watching doesn’t seem like it has a huge impact on anyone, but it does still have an impact. I am a mother now with a 1-year-old daughter. When I choose to watch TV, I’m simultaneously choosing not to give my daughter my full attention. Is this a huge problem? Probably not, unless it goes too far. If my daughter is exhausted, wrapped in a soiled diaper, and starving to death my lack of attention is now a huge problem. Generally, my consumption of TV isn’t going to cause anyone any lasting harm. 

Brushing your teeth is another example. If you brush your teeth regularly, you’re making life slightly more pleasant for those you interact with because they don’t have to deal with your smelly breath. When dating someone, brushing your teeth takes on another degree of importance as well as it could be a factor in whether this person continues to see you or not. 

I know this type of practice can seem tedious, but if you do it long enough it will become second nature; and when that happens, you’ll be amazed at how much better your relationships are. 

I believe that this practice could take someone from being the most self-centered person on the planet to one of the most empathetic people alive within a relatively short period of time. 

We need more people like that, so thank you for your willingness to try. 

Best of luck,

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The opinions expressed above are those of Alexis Rae Bake and not necessarily of The JOLT or its staff or board of directors.