Forgiving Yourself

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Readers,

A few weeks ago, I wrote about living life without regret, and I received a comment that seemed unwarranted. The essential gist was, “perhaps you should experience more life before you comment on this topic.”

I’ve received similar comments throughout my life, and they always leave me with the question: what exactly is the future supposed to change about my perspective?

My philosophies center around love. Regret, in my eyes, is shame felt when dwelling in the past. Love is always about moving forward; it’s about forgiveness, and it’s about accepting what is and what has been. We cannot change who we were, we can only change who we are, so living without regret means accepting the past, fixing the present where we can, and looking to the future with hope.

So, given this explanation, the conclusion I tend to reach is that people anticipate that I’ll become more cynical as life goes on. That perhaps, there are events that some feel should not be forgiven or even can’t be.

Violent crime is perhaps the best example of this concept. We all have experienced, or know someone who’s experienced, death (whether sudden, due to medical fault, or by murder), rape, abuse, or hate (I alone have all of these within my family and life). These events are so horrible that we hold on to our sense of injustice. We rage about what happened and refuse to forgive those who caused us so much pain.

What was done is unforgivable, and therefore we won’t forgive.

Ironically, this is even more true when we were the ones who perpetrated the crime. This is the heart of regret.

We feel that we should suffer for our mistakes, and so we continue to beat ourselves up every day. You don’t deserve to be happy, given your past, so you become determined to mind yourself to ensure that you never experience true happiness again.

But does this help anyone? Doesn’t this mentality just mean that you’ll wind up hiding?

Life is all about “becoming.” None of us are born perfect, and we all make mistakes. Yes, some make bigger mistakes than others, but these mistakes cause us to grow and become better.

For example, I beat up one of my best friends when I was 7. I made him cry, and I felt so guilty afterward that I vowed never to hit again. That vow didn’t stop the regret though. For well over a decade, I was plagued by this event. I even reached out to the guy and asked for forgiveness (he didn’t even remember that it happened).

Learning to forgive myself was a process. I’d beaten up my best friend; I didn’t deserve to feel okay. But does a 7-year-old deserve to suffer for the rest of the time over a mistake? Before that day, I don’t think I ever realized that hitting could hurt people. Was my ignorance deserving of a life sentence? Is yours?

Regret always stems from ignorance and it always causes change. Because of your mistake (whether it was an action or inaction), you will never approach the same situation in the same way. Because of this past event, you have become more understanding, forward, bold, or compassionate. You understand something you didn’t before. Don’t let that gift go to waste.

Instead, step into the new you and see what good you can do now that you couldn’t before. Learn from your mistakes and everyone will benefit from your growth.

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia. Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  mailto:Lexis@theJOLTnews.com.