Dear Lexis,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. My husband and I are weeks away from welcoming our first child into the world and, as a relatively new mom yourself, I was wondering what advice you received that you found most helpful. I feel overwhelmed and like there’s something I’m constantly missing. I wonder if I’ll be a good mom, if I can be the kind of parent my son deserves and whether or not I’ll completely mess this child up. Did you have these same worries?
Thanks for your response. I’d really appreciate any help you can give.
~ Mommy-To-Be in Olympia
Dear Mommy-To-Be,
The best advice I’ve received concerning child rearing is to be extremely forgiving of yourself. I doubt that I’m anywhere near the best mom in the world, I have no idea how to play with a one-year-old, and I feel like I will mess up the rest of her life.
They say that the brain develops most between the ages of 0 and 3 and that 90% of our unconscious behaviors are developed during this stage. I can’t verify this, but the concept completely freaked me out. During the most important part of her life, I’m completely clueless about how to raise her. I mean, it’s already working toward year 2 and she doesn’t even talk. How are we supposed to communicate?
These are the kinds of freakouts that I’ve experienced throughout parenthood. There are so many pieces of advice floating around (read to your child to increase intelligence, don’t let them watch TV or they will have a lower attention span, never ever lay your child on its stomach to sleep, run every decision past your pediatrician but don’t just take the doctor's advice at face value). It’s really confusing, contradictory, and scary.
So, like I’ve done in other difficult times, at some point I decided that I needed to reevaluate. Some percentage of intelligence is genetically based; TV and screens are a hugely prevalent part of everyday life now, and while time spent with your child is important, the quality of that time is the more significant factor.
By acknowledging these truths, you can start to move forward more productively. And to do that, I recommend asking the question, “what single thing do I care most about teaching my child?”
For me, the answer centered around behaviors. I want Izzy to be happy, loving, accepting, and at peace with her life. That being the case, what do I need to do to give her the best chance of becoming this kind of person? I need to demonstrate that kind of life.
That means not getting wrapped up in the stress of trying to ace the mom test.
We are all messed up in some way, and no matter how perfectly you follow all the advice, your child will still face problems and challenges; that’s just how life goes. The only way we can become the best version of ourselves is by going through difficult times, so take a deep breath.
Helicopter moms do just as much damage as absentee ones.
You will make mistakes, and things will go wrong, but in the end, if you can learn to forgive yourself, your son will learn to do the same, and, in my eyes, that’s the greatest gift any parent can give.
I wish you the best of luck with this new chapter in your life.
~ Lexis
Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia. Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com
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johnvaneenwyk
very good advice. for me, the most difficult part of parenting was the exhaustion. for example, i would be dead on my feet, hardly able to function, getting my children ready for bed while they fought tooth (when they had any) and nail to avoid going to bed, let alone going to sleep. so, here's some adv ice:
1) never take anyone's advice because they don't know what they are talking about
2) keep to schedules: same time to bed, to have meals, quiet time, play time, interaction time, etc. regularity helps a lot!
3) always have dinner together. encourage children to tell about their day. that way, they get into the habit of sharing, as they really enjoy their parents' attention. l this is especially useful when they are adolescents. they'll share more than they may want to just from force of habit. you'll be in on what is happening in their lives.
4) finally, during my 50 years as a counselor and clinical psychologist, i developed some ways to integrate how the brain developed from 0 to 3 with our more conscious, deliberating and (eventually) adult personalities. i wrote a book about it called "clinical chaos: the strange attractors of childhood trauma (inner city books). whatever damage we inevitably inflict on our children can be undone!
keep asking the questions! network with other parents. we who are or have been through this completely understand your concerns.
Tuesday, December 27, 2022 Report this