Are you in a healthy relationship?

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

 How do you know if you’re in a healthy relationship?

 Thanks,

 Wondering in Tumwater

Dear Wondering,

I’m assuming that you’re referring to a romantic relationship, although I suppose any relationship could be evaluated in the same way.

There’s a song title that perfectly embodies the essence of a healthy relationship: “I like me better” by Lauv.

Most people tend to think that a good relationship has to do with who the other person is, but it’s more about balanced traits. In terms of compatibility; you will bring out the best in some and the worst in others. (The same applies to the other party, but since you can’t change them, that part can be largely dismissed.)

I’m a healthy relationship, you will bring out the best in your partner and they will bring out the best in you.

For this reason, healthy relationships often appear less passionate. As the individuals in the relationship primarily live in harmony with each other, you’re unlikely to see the big blowouts, which are subsequently followed by impassioned “making-up” behaviors.

Oftentimes, people find these tumultuous relationships fun, though, and sometimes even think that this is what love should look like. But, these kinds of relationships don’t typically provide their participants a sense of security (an important aspect of a healthy relationship).

I say this because when you feel safe in your relationship, the two of you can then combine forces and create something greater than what either of you could have created alone. This is the idea of co-creation, where two separate ideas join together to form something new and more functional. A contentious relationship doesn’t allow this same creative energy.

That being said, there is hope if you are currently in a contentious relationship and hope to transition to a more harmonious one.

Compatibility, unlike what many believe, can be learned. Both parties must commit to talking things through, do their best not to judge, and trust that the other is genuinely invested in sticking around.

It’s not necessarily easy, by any means, but it certainly can be done.

Any way you look at it though, you’re allowed to be in any kind of relationship you want. There is no right or wrong way to choose a mate. “Healthy” is a relative term in the relationship world and it really just comes down to how much contrast you prefer and what you hope to get from the relationship. If you’re happy where you are, you’re probably doing just fine.

Hope this provides some clarity,

~ Lexis Rae

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed above are those of Alexis Rae Baker and not necessarily of The JOLT or its staff or board of directors. Alexis Rae Baker is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her advice does not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals.