After a divorce, how to reinvent yourself

Alexis Rae Baker

Dear Lexis,

 I recently finalized my divorce. I feel lighter but would eventually like to start a new relationship. But how do I prevent the same issues from popping up later?

 Thanks,

           ~ Divorced in Olympia

Dear Divorced,

I'm glad that you recognize your role in your past marriage; that's a big step toward a healthier one in the future. But, since you're looking for further development, I will share my formula for reinventing yourself.

1. Figure out what behaviors you don't like in yourself.

I used to think it made more sense to focus on the good from the start, but it was often too big of a jump, so start with what you don't like about yourself.

If you're having difficulty figuring this out, a great place to start looking is by figuring out what you dislike about others. We usually despise things in others because they reflect our own faults, so if need be, consider what you disliked about your spouse and see if you find similar traits in yourself.

2. Figure out why you do that

Our behaviors often stem from past incidents, sometimes even as far back as childhood. Behaviors are generally a combination of beliefs, so a bit of untangling might be required.

Important: There could be several reasons behind a behavior; you'll need to address each individually.

3. Figure out who you'd rather be instead

Now that you know what you don't want, you need to figure out what you want and what actions can help you become that person.

For example, if you want to believe in or trust people more, start looking for evidence that people are trustworthy and reliable.

4. Take action

Whatever action you've decided upon, you have to repeat that action repeatedly until it becomes ingrained.

For example, monitoring your thoughts isn’t easy at first, but eventually, you reach a point where it becomes second nature.

It's a simple process but profound in action.

I know that these steps may seem simplistic, but the truth is that most things in life aren't technically difficult; they require extreme focus. The same goes for reinventing yourself.

However, every step you take toward your best self is energy well spent.

Hope this helps.

          ~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.  Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

EDITOR'S NOTE: The opinions expressed above are those of Alexis Rae Baker and not necessarily of The JOLT or its staff or board of directors. Alexis Rae Baker is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her advice does not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals.