Good manners in the garden

Jill Severn

Miss Manners, you forgot something. It’s not enough to use the correct fork at a dinner party and to mail a thank you note when you get home. People need a guide to good manners in the garden too. I know you’d want to correct this omission, and I’m here to help. Here is a first draft of an addendum on good garden manners: 

If you are invited to a picnic in a gardener’s patio or backyard, here are the basics: 

1. Watch where you put your feet. Do not step on the flowers or vegetables. Also keep in mind that bare earth may be newly planted, so don’t step there lest you crush about-to-emerge seedlings. For many people, hewing to this simple directive may require total sobriety.
2. Show a little interest in what your host is doing. Ask a question or two. Then actually listen — not with the intention of judging, but with the intention of learning about the gardener and the plants. If you’re really not interested in your host or their garden, this can be a brief exchange. And you never know; you might learn something that sparks your interest in gardening, or your host.
3. Don’t pretend to know more than you do. It’s far more appealing to freely acknowledge that you don’t know the difference between an aster and a zinnia, than it is to fail at being a know-it-all.
4. Don’t bring a plant as a gift unless you know for sure your host wants it. Giving a gardener an unannounced plant is like bringing an unexpected puppy to a person with a houseful of dogs: it imposes an obligation to care for yet another living being that might be more burden than blessing.
5. Never, ever give a gardener unasked-for advice. Everyone gardens in their own way; your way is not the only way. Gardens are always works in progress, and advice about how to fix their flaws often lands as an insult. If it’s wanted, your advice will be asked for.
6. If you bring little or medium-sized kids, brief them first about staying out of the flower beds and asking permission before they eat the peas. Don’t let them bring soccer balls, or toys that will be thrown. If they’re old enough to have phones, encourage them to take garden photos. Through the phone lens, they will see the garden, which they might otherwise miss. 

If you are the gardener who’s invited people to this backyard picnic, here are some proposed rules of etiquette for you: 

1. Don’t assume your guests will have the slightest bit of interest in your garden. You may have spent years refining its color scheme, it’s mix of forms and textures, and the productivity of its vegetable patch, but someone is bound to give it a casual wave and a “Nice yard” as they dip their cracker in the hummus. Don’t hit them.
2. If one of your guests thinks they are an expert on some aspect of gardening — companion planting, for example, or rodent repellants — there are two polite choices: listen and nod, or excuse yourself and escape to the kitchen to keep something from boiling over.
3. If, on the other hand, a guest loves your garden so much they want a half-hour guided tour when you’re busy trying to get dinner on the table, invite them to come back another time for that purpose. If you do this just right, the guest will offer to help with dinner.
4. If a disagreement arises over whether a squirrel or a rat ate something in your vegetable garden, immediate de-escalation may be required. The quickest path is to ask who has actually seen a rat or squirrel do this terrible deed. Anything less is speculation, not proven fact. The challenge is for everyone to let go of the primal need to be right. 

 This is true of many garden controversies, because so much of garden decision-making is based on folklore and personal opinion, not science or observation.  

That’s one reason good manners — that is, consideration for the tender feelings and insecurities of our fellow humans — are so important in the garden: In the absence of settled science, peace often depends on a shared willingness to leave a score unsettled, a mystery unsolved, or a problem simply accepted. 

 All that adds up to 10 potential commandments about garden-related kindness and consideration.  

Surely we could also think of seven deadly garden sins. Nominations are now open. 

Jill Severn writes from her home in Olympia, where she grows vegetables, flowers, and a small flock of chickens. She loves conversation among gardeners. Start one by emailing her at  jill@theJOLTnews.com