ADVICE FROM A LEXIS

Navigating the weight of telling your secret

Posted

Dear Lexis,

I recently established a mentorship with someone, and things have been going great. However, recently, I’ve felt the need to express a particular incident in my past. It’s something that I’m not proud of. I usually wouldn’t talk about it, but I feel like it’s holding me back from really digging into his teaching. I’m worried about telling him, though, because others who’ve found out completely dropped out of my life afterward.  What am I supposed to do? I don’t feel like I can keep going without talking about it, but I’m nervous that he will judge me, and then I’ll be back to where I started.

- Boxed-in

Dear Boxed-in,

I understand how challenging it can be to share your past, especially if it’s a challenging one. I can tell you that, from my experience, it is usually better, to tell the truth early on. Why? Because this way, you know how the other person will react before the relationship becomes more established. Obviously, this applies a bit more to romantic relationships, but the same principle applies across the board.

That being said, if you were to ask my husband the same question, you would get a different answer.  We approach these situations from opposite ends, and both can work out and not work out. So, for the sake of explaining your options, I’ll discuss the pros and cons of both.

Head on approach

For me, I utilize the challenges of my past as a means of establishing trust in a relationship. By expressing the challenges, trials, and shame points, I can figure out really quickly whether someone is a true friend or not. It’s essentially an upfront test. If you walk away, that’s fine. I wasn’t particularly close to you yet, so there really isn’t any skin off my back.

On the downside, though, by approaching a situation head-on like this, you don’t allow someone the time to understand your perspective, personality, and quirks. Waiting to discuss a difficult topic until there’s more of a relationship does provide a greater opportunity for the other person to see the circumstances in a way they wouldn’t be able to when something’s discussed at the start.

The wait and see approach

For Angus, he prefers to get to know someone before bringing out the dark and dirty secrets. He allows the relationship to develop, establishes trust and understanding, and then gently approaches sensitive topics when the moment feels right. This way, when he does bring something up, he has a sense of how the other person will react and whether or not they will be able to move past it.

For Angus and me, some secrets could have ruined our relationship if revealed earlier on, and if he hadn’t waited to talk about them with me, I doubt we would be here today. So, obviously, there is some major validity in this approach.

However, the challenge of this approach is that there’s more heartache if the secret cannot be accepted. The relationship has already been established, so if a red flag comes up and destroys what’s been built, both parties suffer.

Talking To Your Mentor

Weighing each option’s pros and cons can help you make your decision moving forward. Perhaps you already have a sense of how your mentor will react, and you’re just nervous about being wrong.

And you may be wrong; that is a possibility. However, if you’re feeling called to share, I say share. To me, it’s better to figure out if this is the mentor you need now rather than to keep turning your wheels when things won’t, ultimately, work out.

In all likelihood, if this person has been a mentor for a while, they have heard a lot of stories from the people they’ve worked with, and your story won’t really surprise them. Similarly, their life won’t be drastically impacted by the truth in the same way that romantic partners would be.

Whatever decision you make, though, know there is no shame in choosing the path that you do.

Hope this helps you,

~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.   Got a question about life, relationships, spirit?  Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

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