Dear Lexis,
My daughter has really been struggling this year. She missed out on most of the traditional events during her senior year and had to begin her first year of college online. I recently got remarried and we moved in with my new husband and she seems to believe this is the cause of her depression, whereas I’m sure it has more to do with Covid restrictions. Do you have any advice on how I can help her through this?
~ Unsure
Dear Unsure,
I understand how frustrating it could be to see your daughter suffering. It’s hard to see someone you love struggle. Given what you told me about your daughter though, this may be a problem that she needs to work through on her own.
Depression due to loneliness is certainly challenging, but it sounds like she’s also facing the uncertainty of an unknown future. I know when I was facing that kind of uncertainty; I ran off and became a semi-truck driver. The best thing you can do is be there for her when she needs someone to talk to or come to for comfort. However, that being said, I can help provide you with some advice to give if she asks for help.
Whenever someone is feeling overwhelmed or uncertain, I find they need reminding that they can handle whatever comes their way. This is generally the place I encourage everyone to find their sense of certainty as it’s a belief that’s unlikely to be shaken. You’ve lived this long, done this much, and made your way through every problem so far; in all likelihood, you will continue to be able to figure things out and, if you can figure it out, it’s just a matter of time before things settle down once more. You may even come out the other side having learned something interesting.
When we’re lonely, we tend to withdraw from the world. We isolate and hide in our room. We tend to think that it’s a lack of social interaction causing our loneliness, but I find this is very rarely the case. Some of the best information I ever heard was:
Loneliness is not due to a lack of people, otherwise we would be lonely whenever we were in a room by ourselves. Instead, loneliness comes from the belief that you would be happier if someone else was with you.
Happiness is not dependent on external circumstances; it’s based on our thoughts about our circumstances. So while your daughter may not be open to hearing that loneliness is just a figment of her mind, reminding her that you care about her happiness and that you love her can do a lot of good in the long run.
This is one of the fundamental beliefs that I wish everyone held. If you believe in your heart that things are always working out for you, you can handle a shocking amount of turmoil and struggle.
As a parent, holding this belief can drastically alter your behavior when interacting with your daughter. You’ll approach her with an attitude of belief and a trust in her wellbeing that will rub off on her as you communicate. Because you aren’t worried, she will see that she can relax too and trust that things will work out in the long run.
How can you go about attaining this belief? Health and wellness are the natural states. Sickness is considered odd and unnatural which, to me, indicates that unless altered by an external negative force, life naturally finds harmony and works out for us.
While not as active as you may like, these three concepts could drastically improve your daughter’s life (assuming she’s open to it). But, even if she isn’t open, these concepts could also help you release your own sense of worry or struggle. You’re doing everything you can, so now is the time to trust that things will get better and turn out well in the end.
I hope you both find some peace soon and that the struggle eases. Until then, I hope you find the strength to keep the faith.
Good luck,
~ Lexis
Alexis Baker writes from her home in Olympia. Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com
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