Advice from a Lexis

Mother-in-Law issues

Posted

Dear Lexis,

I find myself angry all the time. I've tried meditation, thought control, and any number of other actions but none seem to produce many results. I find myself at the mercy of my mother-in-law, who has decided to come to live with us without warning. She and I don't get along. She's feeble and my husband reminds me that it's traditional that when someone's parent is in need of aid, their children (and accompanying spouse) step up to help. I tend to agree with this paradigm, but I don't know how to maintain my own mental health with her around. Do you have any advice?

Thanks,

          ~ Raging in Tumwater

Dear Raging,

I can certainly relate. I've certainly had my share of unpleasant circumstances and encounters. It can be particularly challenging when you feel trapped and without hope of escape. You have my deepest sympathies.

I had a similar experience recently, and while I'll keep the details private, I did receive some excellent advice. If you cannot escape the circumstances, you need to stake out a space for yourself and establish clear boundaries. You will need to communicate these boundaries with your mother-in-law and your husband. It might not be easy, and it can feel like you're the only warrior facing an army, but I'm sure things will settle down in time. You will find your happiness again.

It's unfortunate that you find yourself in this precarious position, but given your levels of anger, the time for bare minimums has arrived. What is it that you need not to feel angry? What are you willing to accept and what aren't you willing to accept? Where are you ready to compromise and where are you not?

Take some time alone and think about what specific issues are causing your distress and why they are so problematic for you. Is it a particular action, situation, or attitude? Does it bother you because it causes physical harm, emotional harm, or does it rub up against some personal hang-ups?

For example, imagine that your mother-in-law has a dog known for biting those it deems a threat. And while you can understand the dog's desire to protect its master, there have been several occasions where the dog has attacked people who don't appear to deserve such behavior. As a result, you fear that some action on your part will set the dog off and you will be attacked. Or perhaps you worry that your child will do something and the dog will attack him/her. This is a fear of physical harm stemming from a specific situation.

Once you've defined your particular sticking points, come up with a few options for handling them. Keep in mind what you are willing to deal with and what you are not willing to deal with. Perhaps you're willing to spend the funds to convert the garage for her to live in but you're not okay with her in the house. Perhaps it's fine that she's in the house, but you cannot deal with her possessions taking over your space and must ask her to confine her possessions to her own room. Maybe you're sick of her detracting from your couple time and you need to set up a schedule for when she has access to your husband.

Whatever the problem, there is a solution that you can live with. And, if implemented and maintained, it's also possible to repair the damage already caused by the circumstances.

Set up clear boundaries with your spouse too and let him know that if the behaviors that frustrate you continue to occur, you expect him to find an alternative solution to the living situation. Let him know this is your expectation, whether this means building an additional structure on your property or sending his mother to a care facility where she can get better care.

It can be really hard to be in this position and I understand that you may feel bad about not wanting to help. However, your family needs to come first. Do not trade your own well-being for her well-being as that is almost guaranteed to destroy your marriage. Set your boundaries, make sure you have what you need, and you will soon find a compromise that you can all live with.

I wish you the best of luck and a wonderful solution.

          ~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.   Got a question about life, relationships, spirit?  Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

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