Advice from a Lexis

More about empathy – and how it’s different from sympathy and compassion

Posted

Dear Reader,

Given the feedback I received on my column dated February 28, I saw an opportunity to provide some clarity on an important issue: the difference between empathy, sympathy, and compassion.

It’s amazing to me how often these three experiences get confused, and how often that confusion leads to unnecessary confrontation. Here are brief definitions, courtesy of Merriam Webster:

  • Empathy is when you understand the feelings of another but do not share them.
  • Sympathy is when you share the feelings of another. 
  • Compassion is the sympathetic consciousness of another’s distress paired with a desire to alleviate it.

Imagine that you see someone in a hole. They are clearly unhappy with their situation. If you react with sympathy, you essentially jump into the hole with them and join in as they cry. If you react with empathy, you recognize their distress but don’t feel distressed yourself. And if you react with compassion, you may feel a pang of emotion as you see their distress, but then you turn your attention toward a solution.

In many regards, compassion is the decision you make after reacting with empathy. You understand the other person’s situation, feel bad that they have found themselves in such a predicament and then offer what help you can.

From what I’ve seen, many people believe we should act with sympathy when someone is suffering. We feel that we should be enraged on behalf of the enraged and scared on behalf of those who are scared. And sympathy can provide some benefit, although the cons tend to outweigh the pros.

Reacting with sympathy can provide someone with a sense of companionship. It provides them with a shoulder to cry on and someone they can share their story with. Unfortunately, often this leads to an increase in the length of time spent suffering. Without any other option, the suffering individual focuses entirely on the issue rather than on finding a potential solution. And solutions, as discussed on several occasions, can only be found when you aren’t focused on the horrific nature of the problem at hand.

Empathy tends to be much more productive, although it can appear more heartless.

By seeing a situation and recognizing the problem without joining in the suffering, you have a golden opportunity to spot potential solutions quickly. In the example of someone in a hole, if you’re not mired in sympathy, you are free to turn your head and see the ladder leaning against a barn nearby. You do not have this same freedom when you jump into the hole.

Yes, this reaction can cause some distress for the suffering individual (the saying misery loves company) but in the end, both parties will generally be much better off if one can react with empathy rather than sympathy.

Compassion enters the picture when it comes time to take action. When you recognize the problem and understand it, you can then take definitive action to change the situation. Walking over to grab the ladder and lowering it down into the hole is an act of compassion.

So regarding my previous article on the war in Ukraine, I encourage people to react with empathy and act with compassion (if they know of a way to do so). I do not, however, encourage sympathy as that is similar to encouraging someone to self-harm. I understand that others may view this suggestion as heartless, naïve, or ignorant (as they often see empathy). It’s the option that allows for the best outcomes (and I am always a fan of creating the best possible outcome).

I hope this provides some clarity and understanding for those who may not have understood my intent. I also hope that others who struggle with understanding the differences between reacting with sympathy vs. empathy can utilize this example.

And while this article is not particularly actionable right now, I hope you find value in the information nonetheless. It’s certainly helped me throughout my life on many occasions despite its abstract nature.

I wish you a wonderful week.

          ~ Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.   Got a question about life, relationships, spirit?  Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

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