ADVICE FROM A LEXIS

Finding the courage to find love

Posted

Dear Lexis,

I really want a boyfriend but I can’t seem to find anybody.

~ Lonely in Olympia

Dear Lonely in Olympia,

I know how challenging it can be to want a relationship and not have one. Finding that special someone may seem impossible at times. As long as you keep working toward finding that perfect partner though, you will eventually find that someone.

My dad recently got remarried. He’d decided, at one point, that he was ready to be married again and set a goal for himself. Utilizing a dating website, he reached out to three women every week. He didn’t expect the first person to work out, but he knew that by being consistent, he would eventually find the right person.

On the other hand, my husband wasn’t so dedicated to his efforts. And while both my dad and my husband found a partner, my dad managed it in a much shorter period of time because he wasn’t afraid to face the potential rejection.

The fear of rejection is the biggest factor when it comes to relationships. Women, on average, expect men to make the first move. While traditional, one could say that this refusal to make the first step only exists because we fear what the other might say.

One could argue that women always make the first step, albeit a subtle one. A smile, for example, indicates openness to being approached, but I know that whenever I liked someone I did everything I could to avoid eye contact. Being attracted to someone makes us feel vulnerable and we fear that our crush will find out about our attraction and not feel the same way.

Not knowing what you’re currently doing in pursuit of a relationship, I recommend that if you really want to find someone, get really comfortable with rejection.

My own fear of rejection stems from the thoughts that accompany a rejection experience. Even when asking to borrow someone’s car, if I get a no, I wonder why. Do they think that I’m not responsible? Did I do something wrong and they can be bothered to help me out? Do they hate me or are they angry at me?

While not a reasonable reaction, I inevitably hear the no and wonder what’s wrong with me. From what I’ve heard from others, this is the traditional reaction to rejection. I don’t know why we all instinctively react this way but, in many regards, we could all benefit from the fearless approach that my dad took in his pursuit of love.

If you know you’re level of commitment, set up and meet a regular goal, and push through your fear, it will only be a matter of time before you find what you’re are looking for. It’s actually impossible for you not to find someone if you keep working toward one with consistency. Be inspired by this truth, let it help you through the moments of fear and doubt.

Trust that you’re on the path toward your desire. I know Covid has put a damper on things, but even now people are meeting, dating, and getting married despite the challenges of this time. Keep reaching out and you will soon find the love that you seek.

I wish you love and happiness,

~Lexis

Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. She writes from her home in Olympia.   Got a question about life, relationships, spirit? Write to Lexis at  Lexis@theJOLTnews.com 

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