Dear Lexis,
I find myself unfulfilled in my relationship lately. I feel like we’re drifting apart and I’m not sure what to do about it. It seems like nothing I do helps. My husband says that there is nothing wrong and that he’s happy, but I don’t feel the same way and I wonder if he is telling the truth. Do you have any advice on how I can either change my thinking or feel more fulfilled in my relationship?
Thanks,
~ Distant
Dear Distant,
I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve felt unloved, alone, and forgotten at various points in my life. It was a constant struggle when I was a child and it took a long time to figure out what the problem was. As a newly married woman, I also have discovered similar issues cropping up in my relationship at times. And while I cannot say for certain what’s wrong in your life, most issues stem from an unmet need.
There is likely something you need from your relationship that you aren’t getting, and until you figure out exactly what that is, you are likely to continue struggling. Figuring out what need is unmet can be a bit of a challenge, I usually have to think about, and meditate on, the potential problem for a long time before I figure it out. However, a good place to start is with the five love languages.
Gary Chapman wrote The 4 Love Languages, a book on the subject, but a Google search will provide you with quizzes and information on them as well. In essence, the five languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, service, quality time, and gifts. Each language requires, and is expressed with, different behaviors and each individual requires each language to varying degrees.
If you’ve never heard of the love languages, take a look around for a quiz that can help you understand your primary language. If you do know you love language(s), start looking for your unmet need within your primary language first. Just in case you have a hard time getting started though, here are a few ideas within each love language that may help you find that unmet need.
Unlike what many think, physical touch often refers more often to the innocent, comforting touches more than anything else: a kiss before you or your husband leave for work, hand holding when you go for walks or shopping trips, hugs when you come home at night.
Setting up regular, daily, opportunities for touch would probably be a very good idea if this is your primary love language, and communicating the desire for daily touch is vital for this kind of need to be met.
General places to start on affirmations are: ways your spouse is proud of you; gratitude for effort made around the house, with family, or at work; appreciation of appearance or skills. Try saying some of your favorite affirmations to yourself to gauge your own reaction and then communicate which phrases you prefer to your spouse.
Asking for your spouse to do dishes, laundry, or cleaning can all make you feel loved, but I understand how such request might make you feel guilty or like you’re nagging. If you appreciate acts of service, I encourage you to also tell your spouse what these tasks do for you (what they make you feel, or what benefit they provide). For example, your husband fixing the railing may make you feel protected because he wants to ensure you don’t get hurt.
Quality time often revolves around time spent away from distractions where focused attention reigns supreme. Active listening and interesting, interactive conversation are generally the desired result with this love language. I encourage people with this love language to request time out of the house with their spouse on a weekly basis, if not daily. Perhaps a date night once a week and 15 minute walks every day. Getting out of the house limits the amount of distraction by removing the opportunity to think about all the additional things that need to be done.
You may feel guilty or materialistic if you have a gifts love language, but gifts don’t necessarily mean that you need someone to spend money. This language is all about the intention and thought, things like flowers picked off the side of the road can mean just as much as a diamond bracelet for a gift’s person. Let your spouse know what kinds of gifts have resonated with you and thank them for the reminder that you’ve been on their mind.
Hopefully this information helps, or at least gives you a place to start with your search.
Best of luck,
~ Lexis
Alexis Baker writes from her home in Olympia. Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com
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