Dear Lexis,
I’ve been struggling with my temper lately. I find myself more and more on edge and I don’t understand why.
I’ve had a lot of requests from friends for help, something I generally enjoy, but lately I find myself unwilling to help, sometimes even dreading it.
I want to get back to my old self, but I don’t really understand how I got here in the first place. If you can help, I would be extremely grateful.
~ Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
It sounds like you might be dealing with some unusual levels of stress in your life. This happens sometimes and with the whole Covid thing, added stress is very common. Stress alone is not causing this problem though; it’s probably the combination of said stress and the line of requests you are processing.
When we are off-balance, it’s amazing how much little things can start to bug us. We tend to feel overwhelmed and, as each new request comes in, a kind of panic hits. All of the things we “didn’t mind” doing before are now added to your list of reasons you should run away from it all. In short, you need a break (a mental one at least, if not a physical one). You need to learn to say no a little bit more often.
Solution: Be a little selfish
This concept is often hardest for people who fall into the “people pleaser” category, the nurturers of the world. I do not fit into this category myself, but I am surrounded by people who struggle to prioritize themselves and I realize that asking someone to be more selfish often comes across in a bad way. Being selfish isn’t a bad thing, not when it comes to taking care of yourself; problems only emerge when you become self-centered and lose touch with empathy.
Here are a few steps that can help you find your inner balance once more.
As always, I recommend meditation as a starting point. And while meditation can improve your life in dramatic ways, it’s particularly beneficial for those struggling with stress. By taking a step back from your life for a while, you can begin to relax and find solutions.
Deep breaths and glimpses of the bigger picture are always wonderful.
Determine what is absolutely necessary
Sift through your mental, or physical, checklist and reevaluate each task. Consider how important each thing is to your daily life. If it’s not something that needs to be done immediately, I recommend removing it entirely from your list and mind.
Now’s the time to narrow your focus to that which really matters, the more you refine, the lighter you will feel. We tend to think that keeping track of everything that needs doing is good for us, but it generally just adds to your stress and internal mental chatter. By cutting things out of your list, you’re freeing up some mental space, which can help ease your tension.
3. Start saying "no"
I know it may not feel great, but now’s the time to deny people aid. You’ve entered a stage of life where you need to apply your own safety mask first, respect your body and mind. People may be pissed, especially if they’ve learned to rely on your help, but if you feel like a task is more than you can take on without draining yourself further, say no.
Setting boundaries is important and knowing when you’re getting close to your breaking point is vital. People may not realize that their requests are hurting you; you have to be the one who takes responsibility for your well-being.
4. Resume when ready
As you begin to find balance once more, feel free to start adding the tasks and favors slowly. Don’t add everything back in all at once and keep track of your emotional well-being along the way. You may discover that you were giving away too much of yourself before, and that’s okay, but you may also discover that you are far more capable now that you’ve taken the time to reestablish your sense of self.
I know it’s not an easy task that I’ve set before you, it can feel like pulling teeth and you may be wracked with guilt, but keep in mind that taking care of yourself is the first step in taking care of someone else. If you follow these steps, you will soon find that you can take on the world with the same grace you once did.
Good luck and I wish you the best,
~ Lexis
Alexis Baker writes from her home in Olympia. Write to her at Lexis@theJOLTnews.com
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